grandma shit on top of the toilet
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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