I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just want nice things and good sex
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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