Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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