i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
