I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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