He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
