last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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