He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
