My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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