I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
So squirting runs in the family.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
