Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
