when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
