You smell like stripper and shame
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize