Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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