Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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