Three words: puerto rican gang bang
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
