You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
