i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
