Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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