I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Randomize