I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
