I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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