sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
someone owes me an orgasm
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
