Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
