In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
