he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize