drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
