this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
