I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
