i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
