Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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