the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
