i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
