if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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