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Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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