So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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