Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
