i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
