dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
where am i from again
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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