my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Someone signed my nipple.
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