I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
