my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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