giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
