why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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