I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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