True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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