Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
