Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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