I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
