Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
