Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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