It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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