he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
