I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize