There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
