So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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