I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize