i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
