ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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