New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
