So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
