Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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