yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
