I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
