3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So apparently I’m into choking now
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
