his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
