Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He has the fingertips of a God
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