I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
