so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize