when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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