His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
