Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Randomize
